Your Satirical News Magazine

Sat 21st September 2019
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7 habits of highly effective people

in Latest Post/Local by

Habit 1 – Everyone inherently feels the urge to do something positive once in a while. It is important that you don’t allow yourself to be dragged into this fairy tale utopian mind-set. Try not do anything about it for a while till the urge subsides. It is all about curbing your enthusiasm.


Habit 2 – Complicate what appears to be a simple task. Unless you feel challenged, you are not going to be able to get the best out of you.  Also, if you complicate the task, it is much more satisfying if you eventually end up completing it.


Habit 3 – Look for the trees and eventually you will get an idea about the forest. As they say, the devil lies in the detail.


Habit 4 – Prioritize. Do the hard things first. You anyways have the easy ones covered.


Habit 5 – It’s not all win-win. The world is a zero-sum game. It’s a jungle out there. Make sure you come out as a winner, whatever it takes. And yes, make it a habit.


Habit 6 – Always ask what’s in it for you. This will help you get your priorities straight. Try not be distracted with what the other person might be reasonably expecting.


Habit 7 – Just go with the flow. Don’t think too hard. Thinking is highly overrated.

Mahabharata retold: Different version of the same story

in Local by

In a recent discovery, a new version of the ancient Sanskrit epic Mahabharata has come to the fore. The story of Mahabharata has been re-written in many versions throughout country and has been cited in various context. However, this version contains some stark differences from the popular version. According to this rather candid account, King Pandu, the father of the Pandavas had admitted to corruption in the administration during his reign. Also, Kunti, his wife and the mother of the Pandavas is depicted to be of European decent in one of the descriptions. Other stark differences from the popular version relate to the historic battle of Kurukshetra. As per this version, there was no actual battle that took place in the battlefield, rather the battle was in the form of an election where people of Hastinapur, which is at present located in the populous state of Uttar Pradesh, voted against the ruling Kauravas. Many high-ranking leaders, including a leader who was blessed by the Gods that he would never lose an election, lost because of anti-incumbency, seething pressure from the unhappy farmers and the largely unemployed youth. The veracity and authorship of this version is yet to be confirmed.

How to date a right-wing Hindu nationalist guy

in Latest Post2/Local by

Don’t care about what people think. Your haters don’t know what it is like to date a dangerously charming individual who is driven by an ideology and the love for his country and its culture. They are too comfortable living mundane lives. Your boring friends can judge you all they want, but they will never understand your motives until they find themselves in a similar position. Just ignore them and keep being yourself.


Don’t ask about his past life. You don’t want to know how many Muslims, Christians, Dalits and other minorities he may have beaten up without any reason. Nothing worthwhile has ever come out by unearthing the past in a relationship. Just don’t ask and fingers crossed that he won’t tell you.


Don’t try to change him. You will not be able to, so don’t try. If you’re not into his ideology, then you should probably find yourself another boyfriend. A right-wing Hindu nationalist will never prioritize your relationship over his belief. In fact, he will probably never love you because he’s too busy loving his country and its culture.


Do what he does better. Besides rioting and protesting, at some point in your relationship, you might go watch a movie in a theatre or a game in a stadium with him. Make sure you get up before him for the national anthem and stand longer than he does. You will find that he will have a new-found respect towards you. This can even improve your sex life, if you are having any sex at all that is.


Don’t try to kiss him or give him gifts on Valentine’s Day. As much as he may love that you kiss him in public or give him gifts, don’t do this on Valentine’s Day. It is considered as a reflection of the western culture. It would be best to completely ignore him on this day and act as if you don’t care about him at all.

Dad finally figures out how to take a screenshot

in Local by

Tears of joy came gushing out of a man’s eyes when his 87-year-old dad figured out how to capture a screenshot on his mobile device all by himself.


“At first, I could not believe what I saw, then I immediately called my dad to express my delight. The feeling is similar to when a father watches his child walk for the first time without holding his finger,” explained the man.


But before he could properly absorb the gravity of what had just transpired and possibly share it with others, everybody in the family messaging group, business contacts and distant acquaintances had received screenshots from his dad.


At press time, he was wondering how long will it take before the old man will send him a boomerang video.

Blackbucks eagerly await the next Salman Khan film

in Local by

Amidst all the noise and conflicting opinions, in order to get an all-round perspective on Salman Khan’s release on bail, we asked two blackbucks from a sanctuary near Jodhpur about how they felt on the issue. They said:


“We are huge fans of Salman Khan. Not just because of his acting but because of the kind of person he is. We are relived that he got out on bail. We thank God and the justice system. Now we will break our fast.”


When we asked if they are not angry as he killed two of your fellows and he is a habitual offender, the blackbucks said, “that was really long time ago, it is water under the bridge. Those two blackbucks probably deserved it. And in any case, his movies are literally to die for.”


“We can’t wait for his next release.”

A New Kind of Epidemic

in Local by

“The only thing I see on my phone is bezels” a depressed man seemingly frustrated with his current mobile device is reported to have said to his doctor. In other symptoms, the doctor confirmed, the man complained about having a swollen thumb. “In the morning, it is fine, but by the time its evening, I cannot take it anymore. The number of time I have to press the home button in a day is really painful,” the man told about his condition.


In a somewhat similar incident, pertaining to health condition arising from a mobile device, a student of reputed collage in the city complained to her physician about experiencing time dilation. “It was all fine till the time I updated the operating system on my mobile phone and then everything just changed. It seems like the world has somehow slowed down,” she reportedly told her doctor gingerly, while pausing in between to catch a breath.


In another unrelated instance at the other end of the city, a man drove his car into a pole in the middle of the afternoon. He told his medical supervisor that he was driving his wife’s car and that he could not see anything clearly because there were no day time running lights on them.


Responding to the above and other similar incidents reported nationwide, the spokesperson of the Ministry of Health and Family Welfare issued a statement, “It would be unwise to discard all these events as stray incidents. One might do so only at one’s own peril. This is the beginning of a new strain of diseases which have the potential to proliferate very quickly. Also, they don’t seem to be water-born or air-born, that we can issue specific precautions against it. We are doing whatever we can to address this situation.”


At press time, our sources confirmed that the Ministry of Health and Family Welfare had reported the incidents to the World Health Organization (WHO) and forwarded their findings requesting an immediate effort to find a vaccine for the same so that millions of lives could potentially be saved.

Yes, you heard it right! We’re now on the lookout for new authors whose ideas can challenge our reader’s thinking and bring a smile on their face. So, if you have a brilliant idea for a contribution, please write to us at

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