Aries – Your partner will cheat on you this month but it is only because you have been seeing someone behind his/ her back since last few years. Other than this, your relationship will remain as strong as ever.
Taurus – You will die alone, unmourned, and unloved, but because you do it on live television, you will still manage to be considered a success.
Gemini – It is going to be your lucky month. You will be hit by an ambulance. Try carrying your medical insurance card at all times to ensure a smoother outcome.
Cancer – You try to be a person with a good perspective on life and a firm view of right and wrong, but you will soon find yourself adopting a Pomsky (a cross between Pomeranian and Husky).
Leo – You will be devastated by the news that you could have stopped a major tragedy in Nigeria if you had only answered their pleading emails in time.
Virgo – You will never again hear a negative word spoken of you, thanks to your sweet nature and an unfortunate diving accident on account of which you lost most of your hearing ability.
Libra – You are about to embark on a great journey across an infinite ocean of possibilities, unless of course the more cynical theories about the afterlife are correct.
Scorpio – Love, wisdom, and luck are all strong in your zodiac sign this month, providing further proof that you have not got your zodiac sign right.
Sagittarius – You are trying to live healthier, but you will continue refusing to give up cigarettes, since they remain the most preferred way to light fires by arsonists.
Capricorn – The planetary alignment is most favourable for you to travel this month. You will have a guy with no arms sit next to you in your cabin class journey this month.
Aquarius – Your old solution is not going to work on your new problem. Try drinking twice as much.
Pisces – The stars have nothing to say to you this week, as they are trying to work on their own future for once, if you don’t mind.